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Muffin Top

I don’t care how so-and-so pop factor lost their baby weight, I don’t ‘like’ that your baby is 7 seconds old and you’re ‘#back into size 8’s woo hoo!’ Nope, My baby is nine months im still in my maternity get up. I’ve not been ‘back in my size 8’s’ since I was 8…….

Wanna feel better about those extra lbs?

Here are 10 ‘Slummy Mummy’ non-diet tips

  1. Bake (or buy) some muffins of your own and feed them to the other half: Growing together is very important in relationships
  2. Feed them also to your friends….. Do you see where I’m going with this one??
  3. Wear bright Florals (that way everyone will remember you as the lady in the silly dress)
  4. Wear black (no one will comment on your weight, you’re clearly grieving)

    Muffin top!!…..actually that looks quite yummy

  5. Tell everyone you’re a slimming world champion…. You used to be 45 stone
  6. Google pictures of women who ARE 45 stone (don’t you feel better now)
  7. Draw funny faces on your belly to entertain the kids ‘It’s the jelly monster’
  8. Throw out the full length mirror: You’ll look so much smaller in a compact from 10 metres away
  9. Wear a step-o-metre: those bad boys pick up every gesture…. One round of ‘if you’re happy and you know it’ and you’ll have run a marathon
  10. Put a picture of you in labour on the fridge: that way every time you reach for a snack you can think ‘I bloody well deserve this’
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Fancy dress

With Halloween just around the corner I’ve been musing about children’s costumes recently

Before the ‘big move’ I sent my daughter to a school who’s PTA were somewhat lacking in imagination. Not only did I lose count of the number of fancy dress days she was required to take part in, I also exhausted the dressing up box by the end of the second term….

Now, there are four types of costume mums out there….

  • The ones who go all out with the sewing machine in a bid to outdo each other
  • The ones who go all out with the wallet in a bid to outspend each other
  • The (arguably sensible ones) who send their children in the same spiderman/Disney princess outfit every time regardless of theme (Yes spiderman is from a nursery rhyme, yes Cinderella is a farm animal).
  • And us slummies….. who want to make something spectator yet cost efficient and inevitably the night before following 3 glasses of wine

Thankfully I’ve only had two glasses of the old Rose this evening,

Wear all of one colour, Wa-La Jelly baby

Wear all of one colour, Wa-La Jelly baby

Why go out to buy a costume?(that means washing your hair) £20 for what is basically a pillowcase made of polyester, with stitching which you just know will unravel after its first wash, when you have a wardrobe (wash basket) full of kids clothes….. ?

Add a mask and...... animal? vegetable? or mineral? (ok mineral might be pushing it but you get the idea)

Add a mask and…… animal? vegetable? or mineral? (ok mineral might be pushing it but you get the idea)

Back in the dark ages, when Ed the duck brought us quality TV shows from the broom cupboard, we thought nothing of prancing about in dads old shirts with a tea towel on our head…. and neither will our children. Here are some examples from our family collection……. Can you spot

The pillow case

The curtain

The blanket

                                                  The tea towel

all

3

The to-do-list

The best thing about a to-do-list is that writing a job down is productive in itself. I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment when a chore is out of my head and in black and white, so much so that I can then forget about it for a few days…. weeks…. months.

The problem with such lists however, is that most household jobs don’t stand alone do they? Everything is connected. For example, I need to hang the washing out, this cannot be done until the baby is either A. asleep (pfft) or B safely occupied: In order for said baby to be safely occupied I need to sort out the wires from the Television. We recently had it put on the wall and there is now a copious amount of leads within the reach of small arms…. In order to sort these leads, a shelf needs to be put on the wall for the digital box and the DVD player…. Do you see where I’m going?? The list is pretty darn long… having said that, it’s very satisfying when you can scrub off 6 items on the to-do-list in one go.

In our previous house I had a pretty awesome board in our kitchen for all those little things that I needed to remember. We (meaning my husband) painted the larder door with blackboard paint.

larder door

This was also a fantastic way of reducing (outward) family conflict, not only do you ensure you never run out of loo paper (shopping list section)…. You can leave passive aggressive notes for your loved ones… ‘Tidy your bedroom’, ‘put up shelves’ etc

Unfortunately no such board exists in our new house and we don’t have a larder…. We have taken to writing sticky notes and leaving them around the kitchen.

These notes waft around every time someone enters the room, I’m pretty sure the shopping list is down the side of the dishwasher at the moment. I have however, purchased some funky pink chalk paint for my office wall….

Just need to write a post it…

post-it-pink1 - CopyOh, and while I have the pad….

post-it-pink1

(I got hungry at 10pm last night and ate six petit filous)

Not on the high street is my favourite on-line shop at the mo…. not least because they have a solution to the odd sock problem…… normal_1779_the_sock_exchange

………but they also have some great notice boards for those all-important lists……. (Just don’t forget to write a passive aggressive post it for the other half, telling them to ‘put notice board on wall’ – of course, if you’re sensible, you’ll just add it to your own to-do-list….. I however, cant put up the notice board until I have hung out the washing………… humph…..

normal_home-sweet-home-powder-blue-notice-board normal_handmade-recycled-wine-cork-noticeboard normal_green_heart_1

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You know you’re a ‘Slummy Mummy’ when…..

  • You buy new vests for the baby rather the tackle the washing basket
  • You have sung ‘mumma mumma me me me me more milkshake’ to yourself at least twice this year.
  • You wish it wasn’t taboo to do the school run in your jammies.
  • Your wardrobe houses 3 different sizes of clothes –
  • You can’t fit into any of them.
  • You own a Kath Kidson picnic basket, but 9 times out of ten have opted for pre-prepared sandwiches.
  • Going to the supermarket is a day out.
  • Despite being both appalled and disgusted with yourself, you have lingered on ITV a few seconds more than you should to find out who the daddy is –
  • You justified this by saying that it puts your life in perspective.
  • You wish it wasn’t taboo to attend baby groups in your jammies.
  • You use wet wipes to clean everything…
  • You say ‘that’s not my (insert noun)’ daily, and chuckle to yourself….. (Items include: dishcloth, potato, baby).
  • You can’t remember the last time you wore those must have heels (but you’re pretty sure no one wears platforms anymore).
  • Wearing odd socks is most defiantly a fashion statement.
  • You wish it wasn’t taboo to visit the newsagents in your jammies.
  • You have resorted to using curtains when throwing together a fancy dress outfit….

Can You think of anymore???

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keep-calm-and-wear-odd-socks-1

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The best laid plans / Often go awry

We overslept, a rarity in this household. Mums don’t need alarm clocks you see. At 6:45 each morning we are awoken by the children, either the eldest asking about what’s for dinner next week or the youngest cooing accusingly into the baby monitor. For 10 seconds this morning we congratulate the children on letting us sleep in…. then the realisation kicks in: its 7:18 and we are quite possibly going to be late.

I have plans for today: I was going to try for the yummy mummy status, get up at 6 have a shower, do make-up, lay each child’s clothes out ready, maybe make the pack lunches…. Find some co-coordinating jewellery, locate my chic scarf. I may bake some cupcakes when the youngest has his morning nap later, I could unload and load the dish washer while they cook…sort out the washing that I’ve refreshed twice in the machine. Maybe I’ll start a blog on craft projects…. We have recently moved house you see, I’m quite into the idea of blogging my interior design ideas. I have written a list!

Despite sleeping in, the baby is tired…. Maybe he’s having a growth spurt? We are nearly out of bread. “its ok mummy, I like the end crusts” (thank goodness). I feed the baby porridge and throw a cup of coffee down my neck…. And dressing gown…. (see that’s why it’s good not to get dressed until the last min).

We all troop upstairs, I have no clean clothes, I really should sort out the wash…. Maternity wear it is then….. the coordinating jewellery is in a box somewhere…. I’ll go for the naturel look today… nothing worse than turning up for the school run looking like you’re going out for the night.

The husband leaves to catch his train; he breaks into a jog as he passes the garage…..

Throw together a packed lunch and I sort out some money for a school trip. The baby cries, he doesn’t want to get dressed this morning, He doesn’t want a banana, he doesn’t want his sister to play peek-a-boo with him, he doesn’t need his nappy chan….. oh wait, yes he does.

We’re late, we had better drive to school (actually no quicker, but these maternity trousers are a bit big for me now, would hate to expose hideous m&S underwear while pushing pram down the road).Made it to school, just in time. forgot lunch box!! As baby sleeps for 2 hours at 9:30, we will have to break into school trip money….. Harriet likes school lunch better anyway.

HOME!!!! Ooooo postmans been

Baby doesn’t sleep at 9:30, baby fills nappy (again). I empty all my pockets placing remaining trip money with the post and lay down to feed him…..  10 mins later I awake with him fast asleep and still attached. We begin the cot lowering mission. Slowly_creep_into_babys_room_gently_lower_him_into_cot_back_away and trip on a oh so stylish vintage crate……BABY AWAKE

I abandon my baking plans and spend the next hour trying to get him to nod off again. He keeps smiling, we give up, I empty, reload the put the dishwasher on with him in my arms….

Side note: how do other mums get anything done with a baby? This is the extent of the housework while he is awake….. a bit of dirt is good for building up his immune system anyway, don’t want him to be one of those sickly children who sees a speck of dirt and comes down with stomach flu….. Incidentally, if you were a child like this please put me in touch with your mother so I can ask her how she managed to keep such a spotless home…… maybe you had your nap at 9:30?

We have no bread, I have to boil up some pasta and stream some veg for little mans lunch…. Dish washer is full of clean stuff, I leave saucepans on the side, fill one with water to ‘soak’ I’m good at doing that, did you know, some need to soak for 24 hours atleast??

Moving house equals lots of phone calls; I aimlessly open the post while on hold. Baby seems happy, he’s playing with some paper….. OMG it’s the trip money, He’s eaten Harriet’s £10 note…..

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So there we have it

Hours spend napping (baby) 0

Cupcakes made 0

Phone calls completed 0

Loss: £10

Gain: 2 dirty nappies

Washes done 0

Dishes on the side in the morning 9

Dishes on the side in the afternoon 9 (but different ones)

School trips paid for 0