In order to be transformed into a yummy mummy meticulous research is required, Thanks to the joys of the internet, Wikipedia has done it for me
Hmmmm, clearly this experiment will be tougher than I thought. We don’t own a Chelsea tractor, I don’t even have a yummy mummy changing bag (but I kinda want one now)
Clearly if these women are wealthy one would assume they have a entourage of staff, I do not, therefore finding time in the day to put on my make-up, style my hair or go shopping for clothes is impossible… I decided the best bet here would be to cheat.
Creating the Yummy Mummy look
So I call my local nail salon, they don’t have pushchair access and a full set of acrylics will cost set me back £25. I have fallen at the first hurdle! That £25 will keep me in cheap wine for a month, and pretty rubbish if I can’t bring baby Roo with me, mind you, I’m kinda relieved- I’m pretty sure the idea that I can relax and be pampered while a group of women coo over the baby is nothing more than misguided idealism at best….
After work this morning (I’m lucky enough to work from home) I get out the make-up box- I collect make-up. It’s kind of like the times you buy a new canvas picture thinking it will look great when you finally redecorate the living room….. I buy a new eyeshadow thinking it will look great when I finally redecorate my face.
Thankfully I have discovered the most amazing make-up, Bare minerals is a powder foundation, it take all of 3 minutes to apply and covers every blemish without having that sticky heavy 3 layers of goo feel about it….. today I discover, my wonderful daughter decided that ‘Barbie I Can Be Baby Doctor Doll’, needed a make-over (I allow my daughter to have plastic dolls providing they are aspirational in some way). Bare minerals is down to bare essentials.
Last night I plaited my hair before bed (v little house on the prairie) I hope that today I will have beautiful curls and luscious volume which I can secure with a few bobby pins in a haphazard I-didn’t-try-but-my hair-looks-fab kind of way. This morning I have a mess of frizz with a flat unmovable parting and straight ends (didn’t plait far enough down)…. Crap! Thankfully I have a cheat for this also, hair pieces!!! I’ve not taken care of mine, they look like dead rats in a box. I plait my hair on the side instead with fizz tamer and hair gel (that will be fun to brush out later)……
Even I know it’s impossible to lose 2 stone in a week just for the purposes of a self-appointed assignment, so what’s the answer here???!!! Magic underwear!! I’m able to contain the baby (cake) belly with the following, a Belvia, Bridget Jones’ style knickers and, what is commonly referred to in our house when I’m screaming to my husband before a night out as, the ‘wheres-my-sucky-in-vest-top?’. Now, the three garments together actually do amazing job at taming the flab, if it wasn’t for a, I can’t bloody breathe and b, I can’t bloody breathe….. Neither can I breast feed in them. It’s back to the drawing board while I feed the baby and consider my options…. My husband by this point has left for work (he has the baby on Monday mornings) So its 11:30 am and I look like a grizzly bear with patchy make-up, nerve bitten nails and a body shoved into a toothpaste tube, thankfully no postman today! I revert to the jammies ….
Day 1 fail