Despite claiming this blog is about juggling motherhood and a career, I have to admit there’s not been a whole lot of juggling recently, it’s more a game of grab the balls when you can….. Yeh… I’ll just leave that one here for parents all around the globe to relate to also…..
But in seriousness everything blends into one…. We are back to talking responsibilities now…. I work to a loose schedule, fitting in 14 hours work around the children, washing, blog, housework etc. some days, when roos at preschool and Nerg having a nap, I find myself in bed, with the boob monster, going through emails, flagging to action and staring at how dirty the mirrors are.
A few weeks ago I wrote a post on this and it got me thinking more about what I want to do in life, oh the cliche.
Working from home just hasn’t been working for me since I returned from maternity leave. My responsibilities and priorities mesh together into one big ball of guilt. I’ve been considering dropping down some tasks at work so I can focus more on others. I flit about between roles and it has taken it toll on me. I was hoping I could hold on until the boys went to school but my head has been filled with a never ending to do list, which when your whole life is based at home, you just can’t switch off from it….. Every evening I’ve been playing a game of me vs house. I mean, we’ve just got Netflix and I kinda wanna enjoy it! So I took the plunge and applied for a job. Great reasoning hey?
Two interviews (six changes of clothes) and a chat with my current manager later, and here I am, ready to embark on a new journey, one which knocks my home working hours right down, but forces me out of my comfort zone, and the boys….Into childcare….and h into after school club. Luckily, Scott’s teaching hours mean he can take on some childcare and we can keep our mothers help, which is so important as she’s been in our lives nearly three years. But we do need a further care and that’s scary! I have mothers guilt from Hs babyhood still hanging over me and at 18 months Nerg hasn’t been away from me for more than a couple of hours. I’m faced with one and a half days away from him now but the only thing I feel guilty about, is my lack of guilt.
We visited a nursery when Roo was 6 months old and I couldn’t bare it, I don’t know why, but I felt that I would be abandoning him…. But nerg is so sociable that I find myself saying ‘he’ll love it’ and I actually mean it.
If I didn’t have to work, I guess I’d carry on at home… Use my crafts as a creative outlet…. But I don’t have the choice to be a SAHM and, if I have to work… I want to bloody well enjoy it and feel I’m giving my all. This new role is tremendously exciting and my perfectionist side is so relieved that I can finally do justice to my current job also.
Working from home with little ones just isn’t doable on a large scale, not for me anyway. I can get out, earn the pennies, build a career and the house will be in the same state I left it in the morning…still piles of washing…..but nothing added, it will feel so strange to be me, not me as a mum….or sat I’m my laundry room office for hours trying to focus through the dirty pants….its still the same amount of balls…. but, more juggling space.
Maybe I really can have it all? And, if I feel tired or overwhelmed, well, I can sit down with a glass of vino in the evening and watch Netflix!!