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Week 25, Birth Plans and Football Fans

gif001-bWhere is the time going? I saw my midwife this week and couldn’t help but rave about how well this pregnancy is going. I mean sure there’s this weird eye acne thing and a bit of heartburn, but it does seem to be drifting along quite nicely. Of course there had to be a little bump in the road though didn’t there, I wouldn’t be writing this sort of blog if my life contained no quirks, dramas or random hic-ups…. I’d instead be writing a vintage themed, rose tinted, cupcake staked, pile of floral goodness for you all, you know the sort? Where the blogger takes a beautiful image of their child in a pretty bow sat on an immaculate sofa, the toys stacked neatly in matching canvas containers nearby (and the dirty dishes hidden the cleaning cupboard)…. I digressed sorry

Nope, as that is not my blog (or my life) I have to tell you that I found out some rubbish news this week, I first heard it on the school run, as we all know the playground is the ideal hub for gossip when you fall asleep early each evening a miss the local news… It turns out that, due to staff sicknesses in our area, all homebirths and midwife led unit deliveries are suspended for the next three months!!!!! Oh no!!! I can’t bear the thought of labouring on a packed maternity unit or having to kneel on cold hospital floors surrounded by bleeping machines, hand sanitizers and ghastly crape paper like curtains. I just know the very sight of a faded cartoon sticker on a magnolia wall will undoubtedly send me screaming for an epidural as soon as you can say ‘intervention for shrieking banshee in room 12’. Now I know that nature has its own tune and I can’t guarantee my birth of choice, but it seems so unfair that I may have this decision taken away from me. On the plus my midwife this week did say they will be reviewing the situation at the end of august and it could all be ok for my September due date…. Not that Im panicking or worrying or anything, Im perfectly Zen about the situation… hey maybe I’ll go and give birth in a wood and be at one with nature surrounded by animals and shit.. with a film crew looking on…. You’ve read that article haven’t you?

Roo is down to two feeds a day lastly approximately 5 mins each so I don’t think our nursing relationship will continue much longer, he is having the odd cup of cow’s milk in the day now too and seems happy enough. I even managed to leave my husband to the bedtime routine last week while I attended The Southwest Blog Event. In true ‘Slummy Mummy’ style I left my scarf behind meaning I earned a little mention (anonymously) in the follow up email FAIL.

Football fever has struck the Macdonald household so hopefully I will have a little more time for blogging while Scotty insists on watching every single game. I was taking a little nap a few days ago, only to be awaked my some furious tapping from the corner of the room where he was desperately trying to fit an aerial onto the bedroom TV so he could escape over the next couple of weeks. No luck and we’re stuck with non-stop matches on the family television all evening. Still ‘one born’ is on series link so hopefully all is not lost.

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Things that annoy me when I’m pregnant

Ok so hormones go a little bit crazy during pregnancy, and most of this stuff is my responsibility, but that doesn’t stop me breathing fire once in a while.

1. When people do a pee in the toilet I just cleaned……

2. Cooking disasters

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3. When my cup of tea goes cold

4.When people put anything other than books on the book shelf

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5.When I get up for the 3rd time that night to pee

6.and the toilet roll hasn’t been replaced correctly

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7. Having to adjust the seat in the car

8. When things are left on the stairs

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9. Forgetting why I have walked into a room

10. When the stair rail is used instead of the coat hooks

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11. Finding myself sobbing during the opening sequence to Fireman Sam

12. Tea bags left on the side

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13. Toothpaste in the sink

14. When the table isn’t cleared from breakfast before creativities begin…. mmmm toast crumb cards

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15. When my husband has hic-ups…. or sneezes, or snores, or burps…. or breaths too heavily

16. The vacuum cleaner lead….. enough said!!

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17. Discovering there’s no milk….. after brewing my cupa

18. Forgetting to remove the veg crate before using the microwave and praying for thanks that the house didn’t go up in flames

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Mum Flu

I’ve been a bit MIA of late, I call it mum flu, not to be confused with the male variety of this illness, mum flu is very different. For a start Mum flu is real, it’s the weight of the world feeling which creeps up on you after a week of insomnia, that run down ache which means that you crawl into bed at 8pm leaving the previous night’s washing up on the side and setting you out of whack for a good few days to come. umbra-casa-tissue-box-cover-3Having recovered enough to be up at 5am with a cupa tea I’m able to reflect on how colds and flu affect our household, because you can be sure, we all act very differently.

The man of the house: now I’m very lucky that the man of this household doesn’t suffer from man flu. Instead, his bunged up snoring could keep even the most run down of partners awake, a little shove in the side serves only to irregulate the rhythm….

When the OH has a cold you can be sure it’s a gamble at night, do you leave him to his earth trembling wheezes? or risk awakening the snot ball with a jab in the ribs? My husband is far too polite, which increases my annoyance, a quick poke and request to stop is very often followed by a heartfelt apology, a few blissful seconds of peace then a volcano like explosion of the snores withheld during the altercation…..ill just leave him to it, maybe leave a passive aggressive note on the notice board in the morning…… I can’t possibly send him to the sofa if he is ill…. Can i???? Might have to get a sofa bed for his man room/office, I’ll put that on the to-do-list!Lemsip-Logo

In the day he’s fairly good at getting on with things, now, this may seem ideal to you mummies who’s other halves lay about on the couch demanding Lemsip and sympathy, however, to me, when the hubby is ill and trooping on, that means the cold can’t be that bad.

Inevitably he starts the cycle off meaning not only does he get the blame for giving me the lurgy, he is more than likely two days ahead of me in its development. No matter how I feel, he has been there and done that 48 hours before…. No lolling about for me.

The only thing I can possibly find to fault this annoying man with is, that rather than use one tissue until it disintegrates, which I’m charged with doing, he manages to: a, sneeze once into every tissue in the house leaving me with kitchen roll and b, leave a loo roll on the dash board of both cars, not great if you’re trying to play yummy mummy on the school run that day! This annoying bugger always remembers to put his tissues in the bin though… far too perfect if you ask me!!

Baby Roo: Now this little monster is always bloomin ill, a mouse could sneeze 10 miles away and you can be sure ‘little boy’ will turn into a giant ball of snot by the end of the day. Does he suffer in silence like his daddy?? Oh no! he likes to mix it up a bit, see what other ailment he can add to it, just to get maximum attention. So far this week (and remember its only Tuesday) he has had the cold, appears to have an 8th tooth on the way (ridiculous as he is only 9 months old) DSCF3178and has decided to try his hand at letting go of the sofa when cruising about, that’s not an ailment you say? Nope but tripping on your own feet or head-butting the stair gate is….. therefore my day is spent (remember I’m ill too) changing snotty clothes locating the loo roll from the cars, and allowing the baby to latch on for most of the day. Does this send him into one of those ill, but cute 2 hours naps? Nope he sits on boob, trying to breathe through blocks nostrils, playing with his toes…. The rest of the time is spent feeling very sorry for himself and rubbing is little eyes, demanding to be carried and refusing his cot…. Sensitive, serious little boy!!

Big girl H: What a miracle child, she’s like Bruce Wills in that underrated superhero film, Unbreakable, this little girl never gets ill, she sneezed once but I think she just had a tickle under her nose…. She’s fantastic at playing the big sister/caring nurse maid, inevitably it is her who: retrieves the loo roll, tuts about the disintegrated tissues left in various locations, and sneaks the occasional soother from the packet (she thinks I don’t know). DSCF2757Harriet is a smart girl, far too wise for her own good, she had learnt from who knows where, various phrases to use when the rest of us are ill. These include….. ‘the best thing you can do is let the air get to it’ (we’re talking about a sore throat here) ‘an apple a day, mummy, you don’t eat enough fruit….’, and ‘pull yourself together, it’s not the end of the world’. All these sayings while v v funny, neglect the real issue…. That is to say, you can be 99.9% sure SHE was the one who carried the beastly virus into the house to begin with.

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Let them eat cake (providing you don’t burn it)

Confessions of a ‘Slummy Mummy’ is one week old today yay! Thanks to you wonderful lot we have had 500+ hits. I reckon we should celebrate with cake, what do you think? I thought I would share with you all some baking highs and lows of mine in the hope that you will understand why I’m such a pioneer of the shop bought variety.

Never let it be said that I’m lacking in imagination, in fact I have big plans whenever there’s a family celebration on the horizon. As the day rolls closer I somehow convince myself I’m a cake maker extraordinaire. I Google images and ideas, view the odd YouTube tutorial and purchase far more ingredients, decorations and equipment than humanly necessary. In fact, each cake I set out to create inevitably hits the £30+ spending mark, somewhat counterproductive don’t you think?

Especially when I then have visions of others being so overwhelmed by my talents that I’m obliged to open my own bakery in order to cater for their demands. I must confess now however, that no one has ever asked me to bake them a cake and I’m pretty sure I hear a little groan escape my husband each time I mention I’m going on a baking spree (I’m sure he’s thinking about the washing up though….. I’m an artist Darhhhling, I do not wash dishes….. yes, I could put them in the dishwasher but, once again, like always, its full of clean stuff!!)

I may have the er… physique of a baker, I may have the imagination of a baker; I may even have these cool metal icing nozzles and piping bags like a baker. But, I’m afraid to say, I AM NO BAKER……mergy

The idyllic image

What you see here may look idyllic, but like all good bloggers I edited my life slightly,

My cupboards are in fact a mess, every cake has a story and I’d like to share the truth with you…..

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This is what my cupboard really looks like!! and while the outcome of the other two pictures seems good (burger cake), id like to point out that this took 3 days, 3 attempts, £40 and tasted like rotten turkey……. shhhhhh don’t tell though

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The best laid plans / Often go awry

We overslept, a rarity in this household. Mums don’t need alarm clocks you see. At 6:45 each morning we are awoken by the children, either the eldest asking about what’s for dinner next week or the youngest cooing accusingly into the baby monitor. For 10 seconds this morning we congratulate the children on letting us sleep in…. then the realisation kicks in: its 7:18 and we are quite possibly going to be late.

I have plans for today: I was going to try for the yummy mummy status, get up at 6 have a shower, do make-up, lay each child’s clothes out ready, maybe make the pack lunches…. Find some co-coordinating jewellery, locate my chic scarf. I may bake some cupcakes when the youngest has his morning nap later, I could unload and load the dish washer while they cook…sort out the washing that I’ve refreshed twice in the machine. Maybe I’ll start a blog on craft projects…. We have recently moved house you see, I’m quite into the idea of blogging my interior design ideas. I have written a list!

Despite sleeping in, the baby is tired…. Maybe he’s having a growth spurt? We are nearly out of bread. “its ok mummy, I like the end crusts” (thank goodness). I feed the baby porridge and throw a cup of coffee down my neck…. And dressing gown…. (see that’s why it’s good not to get dressed until the last min).

We all troop upstairs, I have no clean clothes, I really should sort out the wash…. Maternity wear it is then….. the coordinating jewellery is in a box somewhere…. I’ll go for the naturel look today… nothing worse than turning up for the school run looking like you’re going out for the night.

The husband leaves to catch his train; he breaks into a jog as he passes the garage…..

Throw together a packed lunch and I sort out some money for a school trip. The baby cries, he doesn’t want to get dressed this morning, He doesn’t want a banana, he doesn’t want his sister to play peek-a-boo with him, he doesn’t need his nappy chan….. oh wait, yes he does.

We’re late, we had better drive to school (actually no quicker, but these maternity trousers are a bit big for me now, would hate to expose hideous m&S underwear while pushing pram down the road).Made it to school, just in time. forgot lunch box!! As baby sleeps for 2 hours at 9:30, we will have to break into school trip money….. Harriet likes school lunch better anyway.

HOME!!!! Ooooo postmans been

Baby doesn’t sleep at 9:30, baby fills nappy (again). I empty all my pockets placing remaining trip money with the post and lay down to feed him…..  10 mins later I awake with him fast asleep and still attached. We begin the cot lowering mission. Slowly_creep_into_babys_room_gently_lower_him_into_cot_back_away and trip on a oh so stylish vintage crate……BABY AWAKE

I abandon my baking plans and spend the next hour trying to get him to nod off again. He keeps smiling, we give up, I empty, reload the put the dishwasher on with him in my arms….

Side note: how do other mums get anything done with a baby? This is the extent of the housework while he is awake….. a bit of dirt is good for building up his immune system anyway, don’t want him to be one of those sickly children who sees a speck of dirt and comes down with stomach flu….. Incidentally, if you were a child like this please put me in touch with your mother so I can ask her how she managed to keep such a spotless home…… maybe you had your nap at 9:30?

We have no bread, I have to boil up some pasta and stream some veg for little mans lunch…. Dish washer is full of clean stuff, I leave saucepans on the side, fill one with water to ‘soak’ I’m good at doing that, did you know, some need to soak for 24 hours atleast??

Moving house equals lots of phone calls; I aimlessly open the post while on hold. Baby seems happy, he’s playing with some paper….. OMG it’s the trip money, He’s eaten Harriet’s £10 note…..

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So there we have it

Hours spend napping (baby) 0

Cupcakes made 0

Phone calls completed 0

Loss: £10

Gain: 2 dirty nappies

Washes done 0

Dishes on the side in the morning 9

Dishes on the side in the afternoon 9 (but different ones)

School trips paid for 0